i feel sick inside and outside. my dad's talking on the phone a few feet away from me. i'm wearing my headphones, looping bright eyes songs in winamp, and fighting back tears. there is a huge knot in my stomach working its' way up my throat like a cancer i can do nothing about. i feel miserable. i keep thinking it's going to get better. i keep thinking i'll be okay. but i don't feel that way.
i am almost certain that i'm OCD. on a weekly basis i check on MOC to see if he's updated his profile. he hadn't updated it since they did the wipe of all the profiles [to remove the trojan horse that had been in place]. before that the last time he updated was when i was in washington in november and we updated it together. anyways, he must have updated it within the last few days. i went to see track star on sunday night @ galaxy hut and brought niko with me. i couldn't stop thinking about jeremiah. i had called him on the way to niko's house to ask if he wanted me to get him a tee shirt or something, but he'd left his house + he wasn't back at school yet. so i called him after the show was over, but he wasn't there, so i left a msg. i bought the new album for myself. upon inspection, niko asked "is that mark from the lucksmiths?!" on the front cover. lo + behold, IT IS!
track star is wyatt's [the aislers set] side project. they're nothing like the aislers set, which is good. because it's wierd when side projects sound exactly like the band they are a side project of. speaking of which, why does the new vermont album sound more like a promise ring album than the new promise ring album? anyhow, maybe i'll be able to get through this hurt with all the new records i've picked up in the past 2 weeks.
"and i give myself three days to feel better,
or else i swear i'll drive it off a fucking cliff.
cos if i can't learn to make myself feel better,
how can i expect anyone else to give a shit?"
-if winter ends (bright eyes)
i already know i'm going to weep like a little baby at the bright eyes show. at the damien jurado show i went by myself and came really close twice, but held back. at the 764-HERO show i definitely would have lost it if they had played 'you were the long way home'. all in all, i am glad they didn't. when track star played 'alien idea' i got really sad, because i know that's exactly how jeremiah's feeling and there is absolutely nothing i can do. except wait tho it's killing me.