"i'm not here...this is not happening..."

i thought the show would clear my mind a bit, but it only made things worse; lovey songs + cheery people. and i played it off really well. but deep down i was wondering why he has not contacted me. does he still care? this past weekend i thought we'd worked through a lot. and even further proved that we'd compliment one another as a couple. but no return of my calls. maybe i'm just completely jaded because of the past. i'm trying not to be jaded. i am trying *not* to think that he'd ever cheat on me; that he'd always be honest with me. but past relationships have left me doubting boys in general. i was so sad today i changed my ansaphone to the lines from how to disappear completely (and never be found again) [aka how to disappear completely off 'kid a']..."I'm not here. This is not happening." *sighs* i just want to hear some word from him before i go to sleep. but i realise that he probably won't call or sign on tonight.

i want the attention. i can't help it. i want him. and he says he wants me. i want his kisses to consume me. i want to hold him and i want to be held by him. i want to talk until 6 in the morning and then fall asleep with him for the whole day. i want these things + more. but right now i'd settle for just seeing his name pop up on my buddy list.

i used to have a diaryland and this used to be there, but i decided to move all of my entries here.